


I Have Always Known

by JLPierre



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Post-War, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:00:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9424388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JLPierre/pseuds/JLPierre
Summary: Hermione Granger x Remus LupinA love story with a twist as they come to terms with their feelings as the war comes and goes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mention of war, loss of characters and sexual scenes.

****  


**"I Have Always Known.."**

* * *

**_September 1993_ **

He couldn't open his eyes.

He remained curled into the corner, his robe thrown over the front of him as he listened to the voice that had awoken a part of him he never knew existed.

The way she had said his name had caused him to stir, the voice he had heard in his head for so many years, it had finally gained a face.

He didn't want to take a glimpse, see the horrid truth of what fate had served him. Another horrid stab at an already broken life and reminding him again of a life he couldn't have.

Then, it went cold. Deathly cold, the sound of water freezing on the window he was leaning against. Horrid thoughts and old wounds reopening as his eyes flicked open, the lights of the cabin flickering and he glimpsed only briefly at the owner of the voice. The protective part of him springing into force as he rose up from the carriage seat, the wisp white force driving the horrid abominations away.

His heart hammering in his ears, her wide brown eyes staring up at him, sharing a brief, electrifying moment that he couldn't explain.

He didn't wish too.

Because the face of the voice, the voice of his soul, was a child.

* * *

**_June 1994_ **

Bruises and cuts adorned her skin. The evening prior had happened all too quickly and left only a mess of what was left of what they had done. What she had done.

It made sense when she thought of it, it seemed... logical.

Until she stood outside his door, it parted slightly as she saw him stare out of the window, probably thinking the same as she was.

Her hand pushed open the door, his emerald eyes looked over at her and she hated that she wished he would look at her like that forever, not just for a moment.

Hermione heard her voice speak before her brain had thought of what to say. Hurtling information at how she had figured it out, how she had found that her heart beat far stronger now and that it had caused her to spend ridiculous amounts of time pouring over books, pouring over old scripts. She smiled as he called her the brightest witch of her age, she also felt the sting of his mention of her age, hoping that he didn't see her like she saw herself.

She felt as though he was the missing part of herself and as his hand took hers, his words that he was sorry, that if he had known he would never have come. That she deserved a life far better than one that had been written, she almost could have predicted the entire conversation and she simply nodded and smiled.

Because she knew, what he knew.

Neither of them could fight this.

But for now they would, they had to.

* * *

**_June 1996_ **

Remus had never felt such rage.

Long was the sadness that had come with his friend's death, replaced only with unrelenting anger at the sight of the bruises on her pale skin.

He tried to bury it, fight it. But it came stronger with each attempt. He snapped, he snarled and he was sure he even growled when someone went near her, finding himself end of her bed like a watch dog. A  _watch wolf_ he joked to himself, wishing to tell it to Sirius until he remembered that he wouldn't get the chance.

Her eyes flickered open after a few hours, his surprise at the lack of horror from her new marks as he tried to brace her for the sight, her eyes just watching him and occasionally glancing to look at them..

"Battle wounds," she smiled with a sigh and he had to admire her strength. The air around them crackled with tension and fire, only wishing it would consume him. Feeling as though he was on the edge of being alive but not feeling quite ready to take the leap.

When she slept he remained close, several people telling him to rest but he couldn't. That part of himself, wouldn't allow him, he felt compelled to watch her, to protect her now more than ever. He watched as Tonk's came, a longing in her eyes that she seemed to have only around him, her attempts at assertiveness failing as she tried to make him smile.

In the hours that followed Remus tried to hold himself together, explaining that he wasn't mourning, he was ensuring Hermione was ok. He could feel Tonk's frustration at his caged responses and his lack of reason, his own rising quicker than he had managed to bury. He found it easy to let Tonk's words wash over him, the meaning in them getting lost as they reached him, because he didn't just care for the girl in the bed and that would mean he would be alone. He'd be alone forever, he'd never be complete, he'd always be fragmented. Just a lost soul.

It was only at the final step, her hand on his shoulder, the dull feeling of nothingness at her touch that the Auror worked it out, a sigh escaping her lips as she just sat beside him.

"I thought it could be me," the purple haired witch whispered. "I thought you could come to love me."

Remus half smiling as he looked at the ground, not sure what to say, but his attention was already stolen as Hermione twitched in her sleep.

* * *

**_June 1997_ **

She had felt him arrive. A sixth sense to his presence even in the thick smog of the battle. She needed to get to him, the pull in her entire body urging her too.

Her mind only wanting to see him.

Because this, couldn't be it.

His expression warmed at the sight of her, fresh scars on his face but he looked just as perfect as he ever did, his hand on a red-haired man as she neared closer feeling Ron leave her side.

Hermione should have looked at Bill, asked what had happened but her eyes fixed only on Remus, checking him as he checked her.

**_Alive_ ** **, they both thought breathlessly.**

A mixed chaos behind them, her turning to meet Harry's emotionally drained face, her arms flinging around him as she felt him, Remus, beside her. His voice sounding angelic in the face of chaos, pinning her to this point, holding her together even if his words were laced with worry.

She should have felt more anguish at the news of death, but her eyes were fixated on Remus who had sunk into a chair, who had lost control and showed his emotions. She wanted to touch him, hold him, not caring who saw or what was asked as to why. But she refrained, moving closer to him but remaining apart, she knew how comforting just their presence could be.

Harry had asked her what had happened, her lip trembling as tears began to form and she recounted her stupidity in believing Snape. Her many apologies that she said to Harry, her voice simply sounding like a high pitched whisper, breaking at parts as she cradled her mouth with her hands, wishing to grab her mistakes as they fell from her mouth and cast them aside. She heard no one else, no one's gasps or protests that she wasn't in the wrong.

**_Only his._ **

"It's not your fault," Remus said firmly. "Hermione," her name sounding so wondrous in his voice, "had you not obeyed Snape and got out of the way, he would probably have..." she saw his eyes widen a fraction, only enough for her to notice the pain he felt at even thinking it. "... killed you..." her heart hammering in her ears before he broke contact with her, ".. and Luna," he added.

* * *

**_July 1997_ **

The moment his hands had let go of the scruff of Harry's jacket, the words, "

**_we were betrayed,_ ** **" fading into the air that he noticed her appear with Kingsley. He didn't need to check it was her, he could feel it, sense it.**

His wand up at the throat of the Order member, the same look in Kingsley's eyes that pained him.

**_Distrust._ **

No sooner had they resumed discussing the betrayal and who it could be, he felt her arm brush beside him, her choice in standing by him, her hair dishevelled and her shoulders hung heavy. He wished for a moment, a chance to just, hold her.

That's when he saw her eyes fall to his shoulder, her mouth parting ready to ask when Kingsley beat him to it.

"George..." he replied reassuringly to both her and his friend. "He lost an ear."

"— Lost... an ear?" Her tone hitched.

"Snape," he replied as she pursed her lips, his heart cracking at the sight of her cheeks fading in colour.

The rest happened quickly, with a pop, a crack each other group returned until Bill silenced them all with the news. The gravity of the situation crashing down, even someone as strong, as careful as Mad-Eye held nothing against them. His need to reach out and grab the curly haired witch increased, this could be it, this could be all they had.

Her eyes seemed to speak the same thing. He felt a muscle twitch in his jaw as he said that he'd collect the body, her eyes screaming for him to stay. His own wishing the same.

**_This isn't it_ ** **, his eyes said as if there could ever be an it.** **_I'll be back._ **

* * *

**August 1997**

He stood at the entrance of the marquee, his hands in his pockets as he listened to the twins and their assessment of Veela's and their family. He half-smiled at some of their jokes, wishing that he was at home, away from all of this as he nursed a terrible headache.

In the corner of his eye he saw her, a lilac dress that fell just above her knee, tightly fitted against her chest and petite waist before falling around her thighs. He had to swallow his surprise, his eyes suddenly seeing the woman she was rather than the girl he had been hiding from. Hermione seemed like she had aged in a moment, her hair sleek and shiny, a displeased look behind her soft smile.

She began talking to the twins', her eyes avoiding his as a blush appeared on her cheeks. His attention stolen as he sensed that someone had said something or that  _someone_  had offended her as he attempted to douse the rage within as he listened as she recounted what had happened upstairs, "— Aunt Muriel just as she was seeing Fleur, giving me a roll of her eyes and informing me that I  _must_  be  _the muggleborn. All bad posture and skinny ankles_ —"

"— You look beautiful," he added honestly cutting her off mid-sentence, unsure where the omission came from but didn't regret it.

Her cheeks flushing a brighter shade, "um… thank you,  _Remus_."

He didn't fail to notice her use of his name, he couldn't deny how much he liked it either and thought of it continuously as he found a seat, listened to the wedding vows get exchanged. He was rather grateful for the ceremony being short, not sure if he could survive a lengthy display with her eyes catching his at words like love, promises and more so when " _bonded for life_ ," was spoken, knowing how true it was to their situation.

He disliked his reaction to her presence, feeling as though it was instinctive rather than natural. Remus hated that he had thoughts of her in a way that would be deemed inappropriate, not being able to help them regardless. Wishing for nothing more than to snake his arm around her petite waist and show her who's she was, uncaring what people thought.

He kept his eyes on her as she danced, laughing and drank. He was thankful for the distraction that Tonk's was providing, keeping him somewhat entertained and not allowing him to sink too deep into his thoughts. In another life, he felt he would have liked her even fallen in love with her, but in this one he only saw Hermione. He only saw colour when she was around, seeing everything else in grey when she was not. The laughter and cheeriness may have been what he needed, a reminder that good times could still be shared, that it wasn't all misery and he was about to go and tell her this, until the silver wisp that grew into a lynx entered stopping him in his tracks.

_**The Ministry had fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming.** _

Remus met Tonk's expression, her head nodding in his girls direction as she shouted at him to, " _go_."

Darting across the room as he saw her, moving behind layers of sheer fabric from the marquee, sleek hair and lilac. Her wand pulled out from nowhere, an unsurprising movement from her, pushing aside each person as he caught up to her. Disarray and chaos all around them before simply holding her arms.

"Hermione..." His voice snapping her out of the trance. "Find Ron, Harry. You need to get out of here —"

"— No, no no," she began to mutter, her hand finding his cheek and the fire it lit in him as he turned his head to kiss her hand.

"You have too, you know what you must do."

Her eyes flickered, he knew and that scared her.

He didn't want to know, it wasn't his wish to hear them speak in the quiet corner of the Burrow. But he did. All he could do was be hopeful, not worry too much at the task they had been set. He didn't want to part with her but for now, this would have to be enough as he slid his hand up her neck. His lips crashing into hers as if this was it, all they could ever have. He half braced for her to shove him away, but happy when she pressed back with the same force as he was, her hand brushing his waist as a tingle shot up his spine. The two entwined in a brief moment in time that felt as though had been building since the beginning of time.

She was his, he was hers, nothing could take this moment and the beating of their hearts as one.

He loved her, with all he had, he didn't know any different, this was them. They were in love.

His lips broke from hers begrudgingly, sound returning unaware it had faded to nothing in their moment, her hand still on his cheek as tears tore down her cheeks, "go..."

"Remus —"

"— I'll find you," he interrupted, as he let her go. "Go! Find Harry, Ron…" Her hesitation breaking him in two, "I promise, I will find you."

Coldness and aching filling him as he parted from her, watching as she darted through the crowd, his wand pulling out as he blasted a black mist heading for her.

With a cold crack she was gone. All three were gone.

* * *

**_May 1998_ **

Hermione had thought of nothing else.

Their eyes meeting over spells and bodies falling. The words he had said, the words she had thrown back at him. Tears and anger. Pain and sorrow.

But as she ran across the broken cobbles and crumbling stone, passing half torn walls and dusty floors she didn't care what they had said, what they had agreed.

That, was another lifetime ago.

Her arms throwing around his neck, his arms meeting her waist as he held her in the empty courtyard that had once been beautiful. She watched the clouds part for a single second as they rejoined, his hand brushing over her bum fleetingly, his thumb stroking over her lower back. Her fingers losing themselves in his hair at the base of his neck.

They were alive.

She didn't want to let go, because if she did then this moment would unpause. He'd hesitate, not knowing that from the moment he had spoken, he had unlocked the part of her that she deemed broken and slowly began to fix her disappointment that other boys couldn't.

That kiss.  
Their first and  _only kiss_ , it had taken all of that disappointment away.

But when his lips met hers this time, it was different. It was raw, passionate, his hands grasping at her as if she was what he needed to survive. Their lips sealing their fate, the love that she felt had spanned centuries, the raw passion that she had needed. Her hand slipping in his robe, feeling his tensed muscles under his shirt, her fingers curling to never let him go. She wanted him to be closer, almost a part of her, she wanted him.

She felt like she had always known him, as if they had loved this life already and was just picking up in another time. Maybe, they was. Maybe that was what this all was, a love that had begun in a different time.

She felt his hands start to release her, the moment changing into one she didn't want, her feet touching the death covered floor, begging internally for him not to let go.

To let her go.

Their lips breaking as she felt his warm breath upon her skin, his eyes watching her before they turned from her.

"No," she breathed as his head moved and washed her in emeralds.

"You... deserve a  _choice_."

"I  _choose_  —"

"—  _Hermione_ ," he insisted as her lips straightened into a thin line at his tone. "I'm old, I am poor, I am full of grief and I become something in the moonlight."

Hermione stared at his chest, watching and feeling his heartbeat in her own chest, " _Please_ … I do not feel complete without you. Age is a number, money is nothing."

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he let go of her waist entirely. "You, deserve better."

"No," she wheezed pathetically. A far cry from the woman who had hunted horcruxes and fought Death Eaters.

Tears stinging in her eyes, her lip trembling as he moved from in front of her and if not for the pain she felt in her chest, she wouldn't believe him if she wasn't currently feeling how sorry he truly was. If she hadn't just fought in a battle, she would have hurried after him, but instead she sunk to her knees, joining the mess of broken hopes and destroyed souls.  
Her body hurting now more than ever, tears falling when she should feel joy, emptiness when she should feel full.

* * *

**_May 1999_ **

The speeches were long.

The celebration had been going on all day, he had stuck it out for as long as possible. He excused himself as he felt her near, hoping to not upset her further.

Having seen her occasionally, Weasley dinners and funerals and he noticed how she held herself together the same as he did. He wasn't sure he could do that tonight, he wasn't sure he could do it anymore all together.

He tried to slip out, moving into the grounds of the castle as he realised where he was, her heels sounding on the cobbles as he stopped, choosing not to outrun her.

Not anymore.

"You not having fun?" He asked before turning to meet her brown eyes, her hand releasing her silver dress to the floor, her hair in soft curls.

"No..." she replied. "Not at all."

It was a painful realisation that life could be as cruel as it was, even if it had shown him nothing but pain since his earliest memories. It didn't surprise him that they always seemed to find one another, pieces of a puzzle snapping into place, her need to see him as much as he wished to see her. After all, they were one, just split and separated, not destined to find one another, destined to always feel broken.

That was how it should have been, that she'd shift through time and never know, except they did. He had made a choice and he had found her, healing him. Where in another life, the one he was meant to be in, he would be broken.

"Hermione..." he reasoned.

"I never knew before that day," she interrupted. "I would have gone my entire life never knowing that a man would define me. That my path was already written, that… a part of me lived in someone else. I was complete, I was never broken, fragmented… But I am, Remus. I am here, I can't, I won't live a fragmented life."

"Hermione…"

He could feel it, the manifestation of this conversation turning heated.

It would become something bigger than he would ever know, their passion, their feelings, they were unavoidable even if he never acting upon what they felt. Destiny was a cruel toy and even as their original kiss broke, the world didn't shift back into its splintered pieces, the colours didn't fade and whilst he enjoyed it, guilt ate at it, ruining it, marking it.

"I want, what is  _mine_ ," she breathed. "I've wanted this, for the  _longest time._ I've thought about it," his breath hitching at her words, "I've imagined it," his eyes trained on hers, "now… I want it."

Feeling the electricity in the air crackle, their bodies crying out for the other. His desire for her, his need for her increased with her knowing stare, the inner soul in him that wanted to latch on to the other half and never let go.

"Remus…" she said as she moved closer to him, her hand sliding up his chest to his neck. "I choose you, I will always choose you. I can't, I won't live a half life."

Her words had unlocked a part of him, a part so distant from the werewolf within, yet seemed all so connected. He knew if they did this, it would be irreversible, they'd never be able to live the same life again, always be fragmented, always be broken and yet, he already was. His chest rose, falling as he tried to fight the animalistic urge, he tried to fight the mischievous part of him and remain partially sensible.

But he couldn't.

He didn't want too. He chose not to.

Her darkened eyes tracing over his lips before meeting his lustful orbs, he following her every look, the tension reaching breaking point.

"I'll never be able to let you go," he sounded.  _You'll never be able to leave, go back,_ his head pounded as her eyes filled with something so tantalising he wanted it to never fade. A look full of understanding at what he hinted at, an acceptance that this was it, if they did this, if they relented, her choice was made.

"I don't want to be without you. This, is my choice."

It hung in the air, all boxes ticked and still he had to pause, he had to feel control and he had to make sure, ensure,  _be sure_.

Remus moved his fingers into his pocket, feeling the small clip from her hair at the wedding, the lilac flower on the end of a slide, rolling his thumb over it as he felt it burn, removing it from his pocket to show her, her eyes widening.

"A portkey?" she breathed.

The world beginning to spin as her hand clasped over his, the clip remaining between them as their feet left the earth, their lips meeting as one, himself taking control over what was logical and what wasn't as he grasped her waist as she near stumbled in surprise, her feet landing on the floor of his home, his hands guiding her around the flat to his bedroom, not feeling her resist.

Her lips moving against his with the same pent up frustration and need, inviting him and he took all of that invitation with all he had as he parted her lips with his tongue, deepening their kiss as her moan vibrated down his throat. He slid his tongue over the inner sides of her lips, pulling her flush against him before he sunk his teeth into her bottom lip, her fingers grasping at his arm through the shirt, digging into him, owning him as his hand snaked down to knead her shapely rear.

Remus clutched her tighter, almost bruising her rear as he dipped her down on to his bed, sinking down with her. His lips tracing down her jawline to her neck, sucking gently and harder on different parts of her neck, the soft moans leaving her swollen lips, delighting him and making him hungry for more as he pressed her into the mattress. He felt her hips roll into his as he met her collarbone, marking her with his lips before smirking as he descended to the top of her breast.

A scatter of buttons meeting the floor broke him from her skin, looking down to see her hands had pulled apart his shirt, a grin passing over his mouth as he ripped it from his arms, lifting her more onto the bed as he placed his knees either side of her. Her fingers brushed over his scars as if she was attempting to heal them, unaware she had done that long ago with just her presence and her kindness.

His lips attaching back to hers as he fumbled for his wand in the back of his pocket, winking as he removed her dress from her body with a flick and he groaned at the sight of her bare chest **.** Dipping his head between her breasts he began leaving hot peppered kisses on the sides, feeling the goosebumps he was leaving as he glanced down at her physique, only snapping from her entrancing figure when her fingers ripped away his belt, his eyes looking up to meet hers as her fingers held his wand, ridding him off his trousers with the same spell.

They shared a nod of  _touché_ before he captured her lips with his _,_ kissing down her chest, his teeth grasping at her nipple as he felt her arch against him. He shuddered as her finger grazed over the top of his erection through his cotton, his tongue flicking over her nipple to show who was in control, power filling him as she moaned, delighting him like he had always desired.

Both in turn began sending shockwaves through the other, her causing him to twitch against her and he rolled his hips against her, a moan from her making him slip his hands down to her waist, rolling his hips against her again as he slid them to the top of her thighs.

His fingers trailed over to feel her lace, one finger sliding over her slit as he heard her groan, his own much quieter at the feel of her desire for him, sliding into the band of her knickers, the soft lace that was so thin, so breakable snapping from her skin, her eyes widened as he pulled them from under her and discarded them quickly, returning his focus back to her.

He wanted nothing more than to delve into her centre, firstly kissing her neck, finding the sweet spot that made her mew as he witnessed her hand grasp his bedsheets.

Her eyes clenched shut, his name being moaned from her lips as he grinned against her, her legs vibrating beside him apprehensively as her hips writhed against him, needing him, wanting him.

Remus couldn't hold out for much longer, grasping her thighs as he pulled her down the bed slightly, sliding into her without warning, delving into her soaking heat. His lips kissing her neck as she dug her perfect little nails into his back, her plea for more making him pull out slowly, before filling her with twice the speed, Hermione letting out a shuddered breath.

Keeping the pace slow, his teeth beginning to mark against her as she made her own marks with her fingernails. His focus being on each slow thrust, each movement he made causing a different sound as she adjusted to him, a whimper or a moan it didn't matter, it was glorious.

He wished to capture her gasped breaths as he withdrew himself completely, filling her with the same pace as he dove for the pleasure he seeked, feeling her quivering as he watched her head throw back, her wild curls spreading out over his sheets, as he saw her beauty in a new light.

He wrapped his hand around the base of her neck, lifting her slightly, hitting a spot at a deeper angle that made her cry out expletives, suddenly vibrating in his arms, his name on her lips sounding sinfully delicious.

His teeth moved from her neck to the lower lobe of her ear, his hushed breaths sounding as the battle for dominance ensued, his hand moving from her breast to her hip, thrusting deeper into her. Beginning to let the animal within take over, her fingers roughly running through his hair, gasping at his change in speed, the change in intensity, passion and force.

Remus could feel her tensing, Hermione's mouth breaking from his as she began to pant, gasp. His name occasionally breathed as he felt the coil in his own stomach tighten and tighten, brightness beginning to engulf his own vision. Another thrust and tug at her hips he watched her heavy lidded eyes flicker, her body tensing in his arms, almost able to see the stars exploding in her eyes as he felt her crash, her scream so glorious he hoped the World heard it.

He didn't wish for that to be all, he had waited so long, he wanted it to be bigger as he continued with the same determination, same drive wishing to hold on, to want more, earn more, waiting and wanting until he felt the coil spring in his core and his own wave of pleasure crashed down all around him.

He didn't notice the deep lacerations from her nails along his back as a thousand lights blinded him, his whole body igniting in eruptions of pleasure and fire, all other sounds fading to nothing as he heard her heartbeat in his head, splintering and shattering fireworks erupting through his core and legs.

He slowly descended down onto the bed, their joint heart rate hammering into the other as he felt her curl into him purposefully, her lips finding his, his arm wrapping around her back as he spread his fingers out over her skin as he saw the most blissful expression upon her face. Utter adoration and relaxation, her cheeks slightly pinked and her eyes swimming with flicks of gold and brown.

"I think…" she whispered as her eyelashes flickered.

"You…" his lips running against hers, "think too much."

"I think," she said louder, "that you, have a lot of making up to do," her teeth taking his bottom lip as she sucked lightly on it.

His lips rose into a smirk mirroring hers, grasping her chin and tilting it down, "I think we should live here," sucking softly on her bottom lip. "In this bed," his fingers spreading into her hair, "I am sure I have chocolate and tea."

Hermione's smile spread up to her cheeks, brightening them with more pink, "I'd like that," she laughed as their lips met once more, "I... " she tried to say as she moaned against his lips as his hips rolled against her, sending a shockwave of uncertainty to her frazzled nerves, "Remus, I..."

"I know," he smiled as she wrapped her fingers into his hair, as he nuzzled against her side, allowing them a moment or two just to be. "I've always known."

Her rich brown eyes sparkled as she watched him, filling him with an emotion he wasn't sure he could quite describe, her fingers grazing his scalp gently before bringing it down to the scars upon his cheek.

"They won't understand," she mumbled as he felt a pressure in his chest at her words. "Are you ok with that?"

Remus lifted himself onto his elbow, her hand falling softly down his cheek to the bed as he brushed a curl from her shoulder, "am I?" He asked, unsure how it would be down to him. "What about you?"

"I've spent the better part of my school year fighting men older than me and cheating death, I think a bit of happiness is owed to me," she smiled lightly. "You, are my happiness."

"You don't know that…" Remus sighed as he looked away from her, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

Hermione took hold of his chin with two fingers and her thumb, the pad of her finger rubbing the stubble gently as she searched his eyes for something, his heart quickening as she did so. "I've always known Remus, you complete me."

* * *

**AN: Let me know your thoughts xox**


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